Tuesday, June 02, 2009

the episode that brings back memories.

ayah:' i'm going to spend RM10,000 to get a kidney transplant in China.'

me:' buat apa?baik bagi hannah je 10 ribu ringgit tu.

that was me back when i was in form 3.i didn't get it why dad insisted on getting a kidney transplant in China.kenapa mesti China, my idea of China at that time was a non hygienic, and totally unsafe for anything related to medicine, or surgery whatsoever. so i didn't allow him to go.in fact,i refused to go with him when he asked me to accompany him there.

my father was indeed sad after i told him that it's better to give me that 10 thousand ringgit than getting a transplant in China.and i didn't care less of my father's feeling. the rebel me care nothing but myself. everything has to be done MY way, I decide everything and everyone has to listen to me.

yesterday, i watched an episode of grey's anatomy. the episode where they had a major project of 6 kidney transplant surgeries in 1 time.
the episode was about a father willing to give 10 thousand dollars to his son for being a his donor. and for the money,the son said ok,he will do it,and he kept asking his father about 'when do i get to get the money?' 'is there really 10 thousand dollars,dad? because i wont do this if it's not about the money.'
while watching it,i cried, because it kind of reflect the 5 years back of me. where i did not allow my father to spend 10 thousand ringgits for a transplant in China. what a spoil, selfish , rude, non supportive daughter was i?

In the grey's anatomy episode, after the father suddenly received a seizure, and was informed he has not much time left, the son realized that he was rude toward his father, and he went to his father,crying apologizing.but i didn't get the chance to do that, i was too slow to realize what i did was actually wrong.

i should have been supportive, i should tell my father to go on with the surgery, i should give my kidney to my father. but no, i was too ego to do that.
the thought of..
'alah, takda apa2 punya tu..'

'there's still time'
'ayah will be fine,there's nothing to worry'
keeps running around my head.

i keep on thinking of the what ifs.
what if i didn't stop my father, would he be here with us now?
what if dad really did the transplant,would he be staying with us a little longer?

i did nothing but disappoint him.and regret is the only thing i love doing nowadays.

i wish that i had more time with my father, more time to say :'daddy,i am so sorry for making you sad,i am so sorry that there are few times, i screamed at you, i am so sorry for hurting you, i am so sorry for being such a rude daughter, i am so sorry,dad..soo sorry.'

but the chances of me saying so to my father has been taken away. yes, i regret that i didn't cherish him while he was alive but all i can do now is just praying that he'll be resting among those who ensured a place in heaven, and may God forgive his wrongdoings.

i pray to God that HE forgive all my sins toward my father as i didn't get the chance to hold his hands and say, 'ayah,hannah mintak ampun maaf zahir dan batin.'

it's been 2 and a half years daddy, i miss you.
to Arwah ayahanda Mohd Salleh Sahimi bin Mohamed, Al-FATIHAH.


hannaani said...

gile syahdu post u kali ni.dah takdir hannah,u xbole blame diri u.redha je la.alfatihah

dAkBaiK said...

semua dah berlaku..dah ketentuan Ilahi...jagan biar perkara mcm nieh berulang lagi...
your dad mest bangga dgn ..what you hav done...just keep it going...semoga berjaya...

Syafiqah Amalina said...


salam. saje stop by.

falling-evenstar said...

stay strong :)


AALAA' said...

hannah , that was so touching! i read almost tearry eyed.. huhu nak2 plak skang ni dah nak fathers day ..

its ok hannah, past is past, as u might already know, doa anak soleh kepada ibu bapanya adalah one of the bekalan yg tak putus and bole dibawa ke akhirat :)

p/s: ya Allahh i missed ur post byk gila kot! lama gile tak bukak blogs2 :s