ayah:' i'm going to spend RM10,000 to get a kidney transplant in China.'
me:' buat apa?baik bagi hannah je 10 ribu ringgit tu.
that was me back when i was in form 3.i didn't get it why dad insisted on getting a kidney transplant in China.kenapa mesti China, my idea of China at that time was a non hygienic, and totally unsafe for anything related to medicine, or surgery whatsoever. so i didn't allow him to go.in fact,i refused to go with him when he asked me to accompany him there.
my father was indeed sad after i told him that it's better to give me that 10 thousand ringgit than getting a transplant in China.and i didn't care less of my father's feeling. the rebel me care nothing but myself. everything has to be done MY way, I decide everything and everyone has to listen to me.
yesterday, i watched an episode of grey's anatomy. the episode where they had a major project of 6 kidney transplant surgeries in 1 time.
the episode was about a father willing to give 10 thousand dollars to his son for being a his donor. and for the money,the son said ok,he will do it,and he kept asking his father about 'when do i get to get the money?' 'is there really 10 thousand dollars,dad? because i wont do this if it's not about the money.'
while watching it,i cried, because it kind of reflect the 5 years back of me. where i did not allow my father to spend 10 thousand ringgits for a transplant in China. what a spoil, selfish , rude, non supportive daughter was i?
In the grey's anatomy episode, after the father suddenly received a seizure, and was informed he has not much time left, the son realized that he was rude toward his father, and he went to his father,crying apologizing.but i didn't get the chance to do that, i was too slow to realize what i did was actually wrong.
i should have been supportive, i should tell my father to go on with the surgery, i should give my kidney to my father. but no, i was too ego to do that.
the thought of..
'alah, takda apa2 punya tu..'
'there's still time'
'ayah will be fine,there's nothing to worry'
keeps running around my head.
i keep on thinking of the what ifs.
what if i didn't stop my father, would he be here with us now?
what if dad really did the transplant,would he be staying with us a little longer?
i did nothing but disappoint him.and regret is the only thing i love doing nowadays.
i wish that i had more time with my father, more time to say :'daddy,i am so sorry for making you sad,i am so sorry that there are few times, i screamed at you, i am so sorry for hurting you, i am so sorry for being such a rude daughter, i am so sorry,dad..soo sorry.'
but the chances of me saying so to my father has been taken away. yes, i regret that i didn't cherish him while he was alive but all i can do now is just praying that he'll be resting among those who ensured a place in heaven, and may God forgive his wrongdoings.
i pray to God that HE forgive all my sins toward my father as i didn't get the chance to hold his hands and say, 'ayah,hannah mintak ampun maaf zahir dan batin.'
it's been 2 and a half years daddy, i miss you.
to Arwah ayahanda Mohd Salleh Sahimi bin Mohamed, Al-FATIHAH.