i miss him

In The Name of Allah,The Most Gracious,The Most Merciful.

the date was 24th december 2006.

everybody was having a fever.i,on the other hand,have ujian berkomputer to sit.he was feeling fine that morning.he said,he's just 'tak larat'.we believe him and for us,it's normal for him to say that because he didnt go to the dyalisis center yet.the appoinment was suppose to be the next day,which was 25 december 2006.

i went to shop with mak to buy some breakfast.mak was also tak larat to prepare breakfast for us.i bought newspapers for him.then,i went to sit the ujian berkomputer that afternoon.i passed,i got full mark,50/50 to be exact.

mak fetched me,then we went to buy some lauks for lunch.when we reached home,ayah was sitting reading the paper.i went to the kitchen to cook the rice and prepare the lunch on the table.i was so tired that i slept in front of the telly.i was awaken by luqman.then we heard ayah talking to mak about him being feeling unwell.he said he sakit perut,but he barely move.the unwell mak kept him company by lying on a sofa.ayah suddenly knocked down the glass.and he was suddenly shivering and having some sort of sawan.he called him..mak scream:abang!abang!..while me and luqman kept calling him:ayah!dad!..then he woke up.he was conscious.he asked us what had happened.we told him that he passed out but he said,he heard us calling him.he said he's ok.then we went to continue the jobs that we left.not long after that,he did it again.this time it's hard for him to wake up.i hugged him,mak screamed his name.he woke up.he said,he wanted to go to the toilet.mak helped him.he went back sitting at on the same chair.he did it again.mak asked me to call our neighbours for help.

i ran to hani's.i quickly call uncle samion to come with me.when i got back,mak was teaching ayah to read ayat kursi,and other surahs.i was so afraid that i cried.hani hugged me.uncle samion wanted to take ayah to the hospital but he refused.after long time of coaxing him,he finally agreed.we called the ambulance.the stupid ambulance took a long time to arrive.the ambulance arrived and took dad away.luqman and i wanted to follow but mak said stay at home.it will be fine.mak followed the ambulance and i called kak ngah immedietly after that.i told her that ayah is now in hospital.she said,ok,she'll call mak.suddenly we received a call.luqman picked it up.he suddenly came to me and cry.i asked why?he said:ayah dah takde.i was shocked.i quickly hugged him.i didnt cry.i called kak ngah,she couldnt believe it.my cousin called her mum.i dont know what to do.i called mak again.mak said:ayah dah takde,kemas2kan rumah,nanti mak balik.i dropped the phone.along liza came.i ran to her and hug her.this time,i cried,hardly i couldnt describe how.along asked me to change my baju to baju kurung.i went upstairs to my room.i dressed up.i still couldnt believe that i lost my father now.i suddenly realize that i've done loads of mistakes toward him.i didnt get the chance to say:dad,i am so sorry.dad,please forgive me.i prayed.the house is already filled with people when i went down.

i receieved a call from husna.she said,she's coming.i have no idea where did she get the news from.i went to the kitchen,pak cik asked me to eat something.i suddenly didnt feel like eating even though i was hungry.luqman said:makan la.i grabbed a piece of bread and force it into my mouth.husna arrived.i went out to get her.i hugged her and again,i cried.van jenazah also arrived at the same time.i went in the house,searching for mak.i found her.there were too many people.i called her,i hugged her tightly.mak just told me to sabar.aunty nolly grabbed me and luqman.she said:jom tengok ayah.so we went.i couldnt help it,i cried.but aunty nolly said:jangan nanges,tgk muke ayah bersemangat kan?.so i stopped.i kissed him.and sat down to recite yassin.ustazah came to me and suggest that everybody should read 1 juz at a time so that we could khatam and the pahala will gets to ayah.i recited the quran continuously.whenever i lost my wuduk,i took it back and sat at the same position,near to him,and continue my recitation.later that night,kak ngah arrived from kuching.everybody stopped.kak ngah hugged mak which made me go to kak ngah and hug her.we didnt sleep.i wanted to keep ayah as long as i could before he dikebumikan.pak andak came all the way from his vacation in kedah.pak andak was ayah's closest brother,they argue alot but at the same time love each other more than their other siblings.pak andak and ayah have a very similar face.pak andak cried a lot.he even screamed,which made everybody stop everything they're doing.sayu sangat time tu.i dont know how to describe it.

the next day.
ayah's mckk friends,his students,everybody that knew him came.prayed the solat jenazah.we kissed ayah our last kiss,they said dont cry when you kiss the dead,after i couldnt hold it after i kiss him,i hugged kak ngah directly after that and cried so hardly for so long that i barely remembered if i ever hugged her for that long.then, pak uda took us to the kubur.luqman,for being the toughest and the only man in the family,join uncle samion in the van jenazah while us girls,followed pak uda to the tempat perkuburan. mak stopped me from looking at the kubur.When everything is done and talkin is read,we left dad and went back home,and i suddenly felt like crying when i overheard mak said to cikde:'boleh ke kita tinggalkan dia sendiri kat sini?'..cikde consult mak by saying it's not good to say that and we should be patient for everything that has been set for us.

there were loads of people when we arrived home.there were ayah's relative that we barely heard of,ayah's school friends,ayah's students,kak ngah's friends,mak's relatives,my friends,my school teachers and bandar baru bangi's citizens.i forgot who,but i heard someone asked mak which of us was the weakest,and mak said:'hannah'.i was shocked but i barely able to talk,i dont have enough energy to talk.after i obeyed kak ngah's order to take my bath,i became a bit fresh and got a bit of energy to chat with the people who came.my sejarah teacher,pn faridah who came to my house,didnt recognise me.she said,muka hannah dah tak kenal.i just smiled.one of ayah's relatives stared at me for a long time.mak asked why,she said:'muka dia sebijik muka ayah dia,muka dia paling serupa muka ayah dia'.and yet,i just smiled.

kak yong arrived from UK the night we were having our first tahlil arwah.it was sad to see when kak yong hug mak.kak yong didnt get the chance to kissed ayah goodbye.but she's strong and able to handle everything by herself.that is why i respect my sisters till today.

since that,we got closer to each other,we began to love each other more and appreciate each other more.we solved problems regarding ayah's property,money,and everything together.i grew up to be tougher,stronger and act more matured.

if i could ever turn back the time,i would have done it only to tell dad how much i love him,and beg for forgiveness.i regret that i didnt do it before.

it's been one year,i miss him so much.daddy,kak lang misses you so much.please forgive me.dear God,please forgive the wrongs that my dad did his entire life.

Al-Fatihah to arwah ayah,Mohd Salleh Sahimi b Mohamed,a loving son,brother and father.(5/3/51-24/12/06).

i miss u,daddy.