i've changed?

i was chatting with my former classmate. i told him how i feel about going back to egypt. i tell him everything whenever i bumped into something horrible. he's my best buddy.but then he told me that i've changed..

you're really emotional.
worse than the day i know you.
you've changed.
in what way?
i don't want to tell you.it will hurt us both.
then how should i know how i've changed?
ask others.

did i really changed?honestly tell me.if you know me well,you will tell me right?so whoever knows me,please tell me if i changed?

ok,i know that i easily get pissed off nowadays. And i cry alot too.is that it?that i cry alot and i pisses off easily?

and i thought i didn't change after 10 months of being away.bummer.i actually changed!(skip the me being fat part.i lost some kilos.2 more kilos and i'll be happy.if 4 kilos,even better.but 2 is enough)

can i just stay here longer?of course i can,i have a one-year-open ticket.but no,i don't want to add up an amount of money to change the date with no reason.but please don't let the time run too fast.

i still have..2 weeks and 5 more days.i feel like crying whenever people ask me when will i be flying back.i will become emotional.

i haven't pack yet.i haven't even shop yet for the stuff that needed to bring back to egypt.i didn't open my luggage since 2 months ago.and mak is already nags about it.

my mind keeps on thinking of the 'what ifs'.
what if i cannot bear with the arabic lectures.
what if i can't stand of going to classes but didn't understand a thing
what if i fail next year?
what if i can't stand egypt anymore.
what if...
what if...

i am ok with everything but the lectures.if only the lectures are in english,i think i will be happy to enter the next semester.i don't think that going to lectures but get nothing is the way a dentistry student learn.

i don't think that going to tuition classes is the way a dentistry student study, and i don't think that having zero homeworks or assignments is the way a dentistry student should go through everyday until the finals.and also,i don't think 'just memorize and it is ok for not understand' is a study method for a dentistry student.It's just not suit me OK?i don't get it why we have so much of those free time while everybody in other courses doesn't even have time to waste.shit!!someone please hear me!!please!!

mommy,if only we were rich,i could be studying in a better place.
mommy,if only i did good in spm,these won't be happening.
mommy,if only those stupid agents tell us the truth,i won't be feeling cheated and blaming myself for being so naive believing everything.
mommy,if only you bring me home as you wanted,things will be much more different.

but i know we are not rich,mom.we have enough money for the fees,not more nor less.so i am going to face this.i am going back there,spend 4 more years,hopefully i will try my best to pass every year and come back here for good.it's just 4 more years of hell,right?i will do it for you,mom.

i didn't tell my mom how i actually felt about this.and i wish she will not know.it's better that way.it's just 4 more years.

i wish for a more fair world.where there's noone with connections get everything they wanted.no more corruption,no more bribery.stop being bias!!!

how i wish i can get any scholarship that i've applied.i'm praying for it.but i need your help too.

ok fine.the sad song is on air and i'm crying again.maybe it's true that i've changed.

i'm a tough girl.i'm a big girl.i can do this!